I\u2019ve been teaching for 10 years, and I\u2019m now a parent of a kid at the school where I work, AND I’m a teacher’s kid. So when I say I\u2019ve experienced this from all sides, I mean it.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
If you haven\u2019t yet had the experience of teaching the child of a fellow staff member, give it time. Statistically speaking, at least half of the teacher workforce are also parents, and when you consider other caregivers \u2014 extended family, foster families, etc. \u2014 the numbers go up. Education is a caregiving field, so it stands to reason that many educators are caregivers outside of school, too.<\/p>\n
While I don\u2019t think I\u2019ve mastered this awkward situation fully, I have had a lot of practice \u2014 for all but two of my ten years of teaching, I\u2019ve had staff and\/or Board members\u2019 kids in my class. And, as previously stated, I grew up as a teacher\u2019s kid. I reached out to as many of my coworkers as I could to get feedback on this situation, and several themes arose. Of course, all of these pieces of wisdom are from my own experience, but I think there are lots of applicable lessons that you can apply to your context, too.<\/p>\n
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Assess your current relationship with the other adult<\/h3>\n
First, you need to honestly assess the current relationship you have with the other adult, and the student in question<\/b>. Are you just familiar with one another\u2019s faces in the hallway? Are you work besties? Are you somewhere in between? Think about how this relationship currently plays out.<\/p>\n
Do you text the other person funny memes? Do you just occasionally pass one another in the halls and give a polite nod or greeting? Are you friends on social media? Do you socialize outside of school? Do your own kids or family have relationships with their kids?<\/p>\n
This clear assessment of where your relationship currently stands doesn\u2019t have to be formal, but it will help inform your mindset towards this relationship for as long as it exists.<\/p>\n
This step is especially important if you\u2019re close with the other adult. I have taught a couple of my closest friends\u2019 kids, and having a clear understanding of what the relationship was before teaching their kids helped me keep things in perspective, as well as helped me recognize when that relationship dynamic was shifting throughout the school year.<\/p>\n
Discuss boundaries<\/h3>\n
The next, and most important, consideration is boundaries. This is probably also the most difficult hurdle, and the thing that will require the most attention, care, and renegotiation. <\/b><\/p>\n
Whether you\u2019re the caregiver or the teacher, you need to examine yourself. What are your boundaries? What are you comfortable or uncomfortable with?<\/p>\n
Some caregivers do not want to be contacted about their kid during the day, no matter what. Some want constant updates. Some want all school correspondence to go through a partner or a different adult, to maintain work-home boundaries. You need to know where you\u2019re comfortable, and then you need to initiate a conversation with the other adult to discuss and find a middle ground.<\/p>\n
When in doubt, follow the caregiver\u2019s lead. In my experience, it\u2019s never worth damaging the relationship over doing things \u201cmy way\u201d as the teacher \u2014 and ultimately, the caregiver is the one who has the right to make decisions about their child. Acknowledge that this relationship may require deviations from your normal family-teacher practices, and that\u2019s okay.<\/p>\n
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Acknowledge the awkwardness<\/h3>\n
As you\u2019re talking together, I\u2019ve found it\u2019s helpful to name that this is awkward<\/b>. Whether you\u2019re the best of friends or didn\u2019t know one another before this moment, acknowledging that this relationship is different from most other experiences you\u2019ve had goes a long way. Name the awkwardness, and be transparent with where your difficulties with the relationship may lie.<\/p>\n
Again, this is where knowing yourself is INCREDIBLY important.<\/p>\n
If you know that you are terrible at taking pictures and sharing them (guilty here!), name it.<\/p>\n
If you struggle with maintaining your own work\/life balance (guilty again), share that.<\/p>\n
Ask for grace and extend it early, and recognize that there are likely to be \u201csandpaper\u201d moments throughout this experience. Be realistic in your expectations and goals for yourself and the relationship.<\/p>\n
Be prepared to have the difficult conversations again<\/h3>\n
Expect to revisit this conversation often.<\/b> Both this past school year and the year before, I taught the kids of some of my closest friends. And there were several moments when we had to have difficult conversations because their kid had opportunities for growth in academics or behavior, or because I crossed boundaries unintentionally and had to apologize and course-correct.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve learned to be proactive. When I feel in my gut that the relationship is off-balance, I\u2019ve learned to name that with the other person, and take time to repair any harm caused. Be especially aware of power dynamics \u2014 teachers do have a position of power in students\u2019 lives, but your student\u2019s caregiver may have a position of power over you (or you over them), whether by their role at the school, their gender, race, or other societal privileges, or just personality dynamics. Take careful stock of the complexities of the relationship, and be ready to re-evaluate with one another frequently.<\/b><\/p>\n
Here are some topics you may want to discuss<\/b> in advance, and that you may also need to revisit from time to time:<\/p>\n I outlined sharing positive moments in passing, and sharing other issues (behavioral, grades, etc.) in a more formal way. This is one of the biggest pieces of feedback I got from all of my coworkers whose kids I have taught.<\/p>\n Most of the time, it\u2019s a really nice moment to hear something funny or insightful your kid did during the day. It doesn\u2019t disrupt the workflow of your own day as an educator to hear something positive. But it absolutely stinks, and can really throw off the rest of your day, to have someone give negative (or even growth-related) feedback in passing.<\/p>\n Of course, students are going to do this \u2014 but it\u2019s okay to set boundaries with them, too! For example, lots of kids LOVE to tell caregivers that their kids got in trouble \u2014 and it is absolutely okay to tell students to respect that the adult is working, and that the adults will deal with any behavior issues \u2014 just like you do when students tattle on one another in class.<\/p>\n One of the most painful lessons I learned was in using a caregiver\u2019s presence in the building as a classroom management \u201ctool.\u201d I had this done to me as a kid, and I hated it \u2014 and then I turned around and perpetuated it myself.<\/p>\n Don\u2019t do it. Unless you would call and interrupt a caregiver at their workplace elsewhere, don\u2019t do it just because they\u2019re on your campus. Caregivers are not threats, and leveraging that relationship is very rarely going to have the intended effect.<\/p>\n This past year, as I taught second grade, there were moments when the student asked me<\/i> to contact their parent during the day, and I was very glad I had had conversations with the parent beforehand to help me determine when to agree to this, and when to deflect to another strategy.<\/p>\n One of my students has anxiety, so knowing that I had texted his mom allowed his brain to calm down and begin processing learning again. And telling his mom clearly in the text that her child had asked me to share something, and that nothing needed to be done on her end, helped her know that she could glance at the text, know that her kid was being cared for, and move on with her day.<\/p>\n These points of contact were jumping-off points for continued conversation about our boundaries as teachers, caregivers, and colleagues \u2014 and the lines moved over time, as we discovered by trial and error what worked and didn\u2019t for us.<\/p>\n With my kid, we had a lot of explicit conversations before school began about what it would be like to be at the same school. We practiced seeing one another in the hallway and waving, and talked about what he should do if he\u2019s having a problem during the day. I showed him where I had extra water bottles and snacks in my classroom, so that if I had forgotten to pack something at home, he could come in quietly and get what he needed without interrupting my teaching.<\/p>\n When I was in my mom\u2019s class in high school, we had conversations about whether I should call her \u201cMom,\u201d or try using her \u201cteacher name\u201d (we landed on \u201cMom\u201d\u2014 it was just too weird otherwise). My friends had spent the night at my house for years, so knew my mom as my mom first, but for the years that I had her, we agreed to try to limit some of the hosting of events at our house to give my mom some separation from her students and my friends some space from their teacher.<\/p>\n The kids are part of this relationship, too \u2014 and as a teacher, it\u2019s important to respect that child\u2019s privacy. <\/b>Think about when you were a kid. If someone had reported to your caregivers every single interaction you had with peers \u2014 every comment made to or by you, every friend spat, every movement out of bounds \u2014 you would feel stifled.<\/p>\n So much of childhood is about stretching one\u2019s wings, of learning who you are as a person, and it\u2019s hard to do that without the freedom to make some mistakes and missteps, to learn who you are separate from your family and trusted adults. I tend to take a counselor\u2019s approach \u2014 unless someone is in danger of being harmed or harming someone else, I tend not to share.<\/p>\n Just as I try to remember to share a positive moment or interaction with all caregivers, I do try to make a point of sharing small positive moments with colleagues. A picture of a sweet moment with a friend, or a fun learning experience, or a quick story of something the student has worked hard on \u2014 getting these sorts of tender updates helps build a rapport between two adults who share a love and sense of responsibility for a child. But I generally ask the child first if it\u2019s okay to share with their grownups, and respect their answer.<\/p>\n Overall, teaching a colleague\u2019s kid, or having a colleague teach your kid, can be a great experience. It\u2019s foolish to try to act like it\u2019s the same as any other caregiver-teacher relationship, and the years when I\u2019ve tried to act like it is are the years when I\u2019ve had the most disastrous outcomes.<\/p>\n But, there can be so many nice moments. For example, I got to walk my kid to his classroom on his first day of in-person school ever this year, which with the pandemic protocols, very few caregivers got to do. I will never take that for granted. I was able to have a great partnership with my kid\u2019s teachers, because we spoke the same \u201clanguage\u201d of education, and I could give insights on how my kid learns outside the classroom more effectively.<\/p>\n I was able to build deeper relationships with students whose families I knew, because I could honor and respect their cultural touchpoints more readily. And ultimately, I have become a better teacher and parent for living both sides of the coin.<\/p>\n\n
Always consider the child in question<\/h3>\n
Key takeaways:<\/h3>\n