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<\/p>\nAs an educator and adult with ADHD, attention threatening to pull away from the person talking to me every few seconds can be quite damaging to the relationships I try to build with students. I\u2019ve noticed as more things demand my focus, I am listening less. Last fall, I decided to improve my own listening by signing up to teach a workshop on it (deadlines are an excellent <\/i>motivator for my learning).<\/p>\n
My workshop was titled \u201cHow to Listen \u2018Actively\u2019 rather than \u2018Deeply.\u201d Researching for the workshop helped me to identify my own weaknesses in listening quickly. It still takes practice to use what I\u2019ve learned, but recognizing where I was standing in relation to a mountain peak of \u201cGreat Listener\u201d was a helpful first step.<\/p>\n
You might be thinking, \u201cIsn\u2019t listening deeply important?\u201d<\/p>\n
Absolutely! Deep listening is a popular term across educational communities and beyond as good practice for engaged listeners. However, let me propose a visual:<\/p>\n
You and a friend are waiting in the ocean for the next big wave to surf. Your friend is talking to you while they gently paddle alongside their surfboard. Suddenly, your friend tenses up. You sense something is wrong so you quickly dive the deepest you can go in the water. You are searching the ocean floor for signs of danger. While you are doing this, your friend is coping with a jellyfish sting meters above you as wave after wave crashes over them and their surfboard.<\/p>\n
This is what can happen when our only focus is deep listening. What\u2019s the disconnect here? You dove deeply to find the cause of the friend\u2019s pain rather than paying attention to what was on the surface (or very close to it). This sounds counterintuitive for listening to someone, but it\u2019s something we are missing (I say \u201cwe\u201d but I really mean \u201cI\u201d). Jesus once told Martha that Mary had found the \u201cone thing worth being concerned about:\u201d sitting at his feet and listening to his words (Luke 10:38-42, NLT). Steve Covey writes this in his bestseller The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People<\/i>: \u201cMost people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.\u201d<\/p>\n
Rather than listening to someone to figure out what you\u2019re going to do about it, listen actively. This isn’t the opposite of deep listening, per se; rather, it\u2019s taking deep listening\u2014 to pardon the ocean metaphor-turned-pun\u2014 deeper.<\/p>\n
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Dr. Roger K. Allen describes the \u201cArt of Deep Listening<\/a>\u201d from his research. For the purposes of this article, I\u2019ll be exchanging what he uses to describe \u201cdeep listening\u201d for \u201cactive listening\u201d since deep listening has somewhat lost meaning as a term in education circles.<\/p>\n Dr. Allen defines deep listening as \u201csuspending judgment & being fully present with another person to understand his or her experience or point of view.\u201d From what I have found in other sources, deep listening\u2014 especially with students\u2014 requires active listening, checking what is happening on the surface of the conversation as well as looking for what is happening underneath.<\/p>\n The United States Institute of Peace defines \u201cActive Listening<\/a>\u201d as \u201ca way of listening and responding to another person that improves mutual understanding.\u201d The institute points out that active listening \u201cis an important first step\u201d to calming tense situations and finding solutions, an important first step that we are sometimes skipping in our attempt to \u201creally understand\u201d what others are saying.<\/p>\n Here are some of the ways that I have found to listen not just deeply but actively.<\/strong><\/p>\n Wait a few seconds after someone finishes a thought to see if they have more to add. You might be surprised at how people are more likely to fill in their own blanks when given a few seconds (consider counting up to 7) to think back through what they just told you.<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t rehearse your response while the other person is talking. Take a brief pause after they finish speaking to compose your thoughts. This will require conscious effort! People think about four times faster than other people talk, so you\u2019ve got spare brainpower when you\u2019re a listener. Use it to stay focused and take in as much information as possible.\u201d (Harvard Business Review)<\/p>\n The United States Institute of Peace<\/a> calls this concept \u201cinterested silence.\u201d<\/p>\n You could try saying, \u201cI want to be sure I don\u2019t miss what you\u2019re telling me- is it ok if I write this down?\u201d<\/p>\n This communicates to the other person that their words matter to you, that you are genuinely interested in what they have to say. Sometimes, apparent interest alone is enough to bring more important details to the surface.<\/p>\n Use sentence frames such as \u201cWhat I think I hear you saying is ____________________. Is that right?\u201d or \u201cSo it sounds like ____________________. Is there anything I\u2019m missing?\u201d<\/p>\n These communicate that you are open to having your understanding so far adjusted for nuance. Oftentimes, nuance is the reason behind misunderstandings; with tenuously-balanced relationships or teetering conflicts, this can be vital.<\/p>\n Abrahams, Robin, and Groysberg in The Harvard Business Review suggest that \u201cIf you often find yourself distracted when trying to listen to someone, control your environment as much as possible.\u201d<\/p>\n The article describes you setting intentions before you begin, using a written agenda (a more formal version of the notetaking strategy above), or even a whiteboard. I use the last method when helping a student brainstorm their Common App college application essay. For some students, this is the first time that they have to think seriously about their life narrative. Writing down their thoughts as they come out can help them see patterns.<\/p>\n Abrahams, Robin, and Groysberg add this:<\/p>\n \u201c If you do have a lapse in attention, admit it, apologize, and ask the person to repeat what they said. (Yes, it\u2019s embarrassing, but it happens to everyone occasionally and to some of us frequently.)\u201d<\/p>\n Admitting when I lose focus has been simultaneously difficult and freeing. It enables me to fix smaller mistakes in understanding that could have compounded to something much more difficult to surpass later such as losing the speaker\u2019s trust.<\/p>\n In many areas of our lives, we are required to both tell and listen to difficult topics. The British Heart Foundation<\/a> offers suggestions for talking about health-related problems. Their suggestion: ask if the other person wants to hear your thoughts at all.<\/p>\n \u201cIn other areas of life too, most people prefer to come to their own solutions. If you really must share your brilliant solution, ask first if they want to hear it \u2013 say something like \u201cWould you like to hear my suggestions?\u201d<\/p>\n In Chapter 1 of How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk<\/i> by Adele Faber & Elain Mazlish, the authors give a list of possible ways to show children that you are really listening. These reasons work for adults as well.<\/p>\n Give them their wishes in fantasy. [The authors later explain this as a process similar to <\/i>imaginative rehearsal<\/i><\/a>, an opportunity to play out scenarios with possible decisions to see the end results.]<\/i><\/p>\n This was something I learned in a lecture on helping students feel safe in conversations with their peers in a controlled environment such as a socratic seminar. The speaker said it can really help to simply say \u201cThank you\u201d when someone shares, regardless of the emotions of their words. Now, this can come across as cheezy if the context doesn\u2019t fit, but if we are reading the room right, this can be a useful tool. It can teach the listener to be grateful for when others open up or share when it might seem more difficult to share their ideas at all.<\/p>\n We have a running joke in my family about a vacation we took to Chicago a few years back. Every few minutes, one of us would point out a beautiful piece of architecture or an art installation; inevitably, moments later, someone else would point out the exact same thing, and we would laugh because we were all so engrossed in the sights as to not hear each other\u2019s observations.<\/p>\n While this story makes me laugh, imagine if I had been on a field trip with students. Imagine if those students had vitally important things to talk to each other about while we were on that trip. Conflicts might have manifested simply from not being heard, the kind that could be seemingly insurmountable for a student.<\/p>\n While the \u201cDeep Listening\u201d model is a popular one for teachers to study, going back to basics- actively watching what cues the speaker is giving to us, seeking more information rather than a solution right away, even offering silent engagement as an indicator of processing- might be just as worthy.<\/p>\n Abrahams, Robin, and Boris Groysberg. \u201cHow to Become a Better Listener.\u201d Harvard Business Review, 21 Dec. 2021.<\/a><\/p>\n British Heart Foundation. \u201c10 Tips for Active Listening.\u201d 10 Tips for Active Listening – Heart Matters Magazine, British Heart Foundation<\/a>.<\/p>\n Covey, Steve R. (2004). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.<\/i><\/p>\n What is Active Listening? (n.d.). What Is Active Listening? | United States Institute of Peace.<\/a><\/p>\n Allen, Roger K. \u201cThe Art of Deep Listening.\u201d Dr. Roger K Allen, Conflict Management, Listening\u00a0Skills, Self Empowerment, 27 Jan. 2021.<\/a><\/p>\n1. Pause, seriously.<\/h3>\n
2. Take notes, especially when you notice the person is opening up in an unintended way.<\/h3>\n
3. Repeat the person\u2019s words back to them at appropriate times (trying to leave it in their words rather than rephrasing it).<\/h3>\n
5. Maintain attention.<\/h3>\n
6. Don\u2019t impose your own opinions or solutions.<\/h3>\n
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6. If the other person is getting more emotional, thank them for the effort it took to share.\u00a0<\/i><\/b><\/h3>\n
Active listening has to be a choice<\/h3>\n
Resources<\/strong><\/h3>\n