{"id":152742,"date":"2025-05-18T12:00:33","date_gmt":"2025-05-18T17:00:33","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/truthforteachers.com\/?post_type=podcasts&#038;p=152742"},"modified":"2025-05-16T22:18:43","modified_gmt":"2025-05-17T03:18:43","slug":"how-to-find-your-voice-and-self-advocate-even-if-youre-conflict-avoidant","status":"publish","type":"podcasts","link":"https:\/\/truthforteachers.com\/truth-for-teachers-podcast\/how-to-find-your-voice-and-self-advocate-even-if-youre-conflict-avoidant\/","title":{"rendered":"How to find your voice and self-advocate, even if you\u2019re conflict-avoidant"},"content":{"rendered":"<h3>Self-advocacy can feel like a challenge, especially if you\u2019re conflict-avoidant, culturally conditioned to prioritize group harmony, or simply unsure how to speak up without fear of being labeled \u201cdifficult.\u201d<\/h3>\n<p>In this article + podcast episode, we\u2019ll explore how to advocate for yourself effectively while balancing cultural expectations, professional norms, and personal boundaries.<\/p>\n<p>I&#8217;m talking with <a href=\"https:\/\/www.neelukaur.com\/\">Neelu Kaur<\/a>, who brings her unique expertise to the discussion. With a business degree and a master&#8217;s in Social &amp; Organizational Psychology, along with her experience as a coach and master practitioner certified in NeuroLinguistic Programming, Yoga, and Ayurveda, Neelu has a really unique and comprehensive framework for tackling this topic.<\/p>\n<p>Unlike the vast majority of my guests, she is not someone I met online or through my other work with educators. Neelu Kaur is one of my yoga teachers at the local studio where I practice!\u00a0 I noticed her book displayed in the lobby of the yoga studio one day, and the title caught my attention. It\u2019s called <a href=\"https:\/\/amzn.to\/4hmelSq\">Be Your Own Cheerleader: An Asian and South Asian Woman&#8217;s Cultural, Psychological, and Spiritual Guide to Self-Promote at Work<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>Thumbing through it, I could see that Neelu\u2019s message was going to be relevant for me, even though I\u2019m not part of her target demographic, and I immediately thought about you all, and how many of you might need this message. I bought a copy and absolutely devoured it the next day at a local cafe, taking copious notes on things I wanted her to address with you.<\/p>\n<p>And interestingly, as I formed the questions for the interview, I realized that her perspective is needed here not only for us to learn how to self-advocate, but also to share how we can support students who come from home cultures that deprioritize individual identities to focus on the collective.<\/p>\n<p>As you\u2019ll hear throughout this conversation, I had a number of a-ha moments when new things clicked for me about the way students from these cultures perform in school and how we can support them more deeply.<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-152823 aligncenter\" src=\"https:\/\/truthforteachers.nyc3.cdn.digitaloceanspaces.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/how-to-self-advocate-tall-1-333x500.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"333\" height=\"500\" srcset=\"https:\/\/truthforteachers.nyc3.cdn.digitaloceanspaces.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/how-to-self-advocate-tall-1-333x500.jpg 333w, https:\/\/truthforteachers.nyc3.cdn.digitaloceanspaces.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/how-to-self-advocate-tall-1-683x1024.jpg 683w, https:\/\/truthforteachers.nyc3.cdn.digitaloceanspaces.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/how-to-self-advocate-tall-1-768x1152.jpg 768w, https:\/\/truthforteachers.nyc3.cdn.digitaloceanspaces.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/how-to-self-advocate-tall-1.jpg 1000w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 333px) 100vw, 333px\" \/><\/p>\n<h3 style=\"text-align: center;\"><strong>Listen to episode 325 below,<br \/>\n<\/strong><strong>or subscribe in your podcast app<\/strong><\/h3>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><iframe loading=\"lazy\" style=\"border: none;\" title=\"Libsyn Player\" src=\"\/\/html5-player.libsyn.com\/embed\/episode\/id\/35793860\/height\/90\/theme\/custom\/thumbnail\/yes\/direction\/backward\/render-playlist\/no\/custom-color\/672c5b\/\" width=\"500\" height=\"90\" scrolling=\"no\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><span data-mce-type=\"bookmark\" style=\"display: inline-block; width: 0px; overflow: hidden; line-height: 0;\" class=\"mce_SELRES_start\">\ufeff<\/span><span data-mce-type=\"bookmark\" style=\"display: inline-block; width: 0px; overflow: hidden; line-height: 0;\" class=\"mce_SELRES_start\"> <\/span><span data-mce-type=\"bookmark\" style=\"display: inline-block; width: 0px; overflow: hidden; line-height: 0;\" class=\"mce_SELRES_start\"> <\/span><\/iframe><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"40\" data-end=\"425\"><strong>ANGELA: So, Neelu, your book and your work really emphasize the importance of self-advocacy. How do you define self-advocacy, and why is it important?<\/strong><br data-start=\"181\" data-end=\"184\" \/>NEELU: I define self-advocacy as speaking up, speaking out, and sharing your ideas. And I have worked in this space through the lens of work, but I believe it absolutely. The same skills, the same principles are applicable at home personally as well.<\/p>\n<h3 data-start=\"432\" data-end=\"478\"><strong data-start=\"436\" data-end=\"476\">Growing up in a collectivist culture<\/strong><\/h3>\n<p data-start=\"479\" data-end=\"1195\"><strong>Definitely. You wrote a lot in your book about what it was like growing up in your home culture, which is a term that I feel like. I don&#8217;t know if they use that outside of schools, but a lot of times in schools we talk about home cultures versus school cultures. And you wrote that self-identity was not cultivated or encouraged. The emphasis was on harmony, sharing of resources, and readiness to give up personal interest for the collective interest. We are expected to embrace and reside in the we and dim the light on the I. And I thought that was really powerful phrasing. I would love to hear more about what it was like growing up and being raised within a collectivist culture with these kinds of values.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"80\" data-end=\"224\">Yeah, so my family is from India\u2014I\u2019m Indian. I was born in India and raised in the U.S. And India is just one example of a collective culture.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"226\" data-end=\"615\">There are many other cultures that emphasize collectivism\u2014Asian cultures, Latin cultures, African cultures, Middle Eastern cultures. In these societies, the <em data-start=\"383\" data-end=\"387\">we<\/em> is prioritized over the <em data-start=\"412\" data-end=\"416\">I.<\/em> Everything is about the group. Confrontation is often avoided because it can bring shame to the collective. You see yourself as part of a unit rather than as an individual operating independently.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"617\" data-end=\"1092\">In North America, by contrast, the focus is much more on the individual and the nuclear family. We may have extended family, but they typically aren\u2019t involved in our everyday decisions or daily life in the same way. In many collective cultures, however, even if extended family members don\u2019t live in the same home, they are still deeply involved in day-to-day matters. There is a much stronger <em data-start=\"1012\" data-end=\"1022\">we-based<\/em> mindset that shapes how decisions are made and how people interact.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2112\" data-end=\"3213\"><strong>One of the things that you mentioned in the book was that you weren&#8217;t even taught to say &#8220;these are my toys&#8221;. You and your brother. It was our toys, right?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"82\" data-end=\"216\">Yes, I remember saying that to my dad once. I said, <em data-start=\"134\" data-end=\"153\">&#8220;This is my toy.&#8221;<\/em> And he immediately corrected me: <em data-start=\"187\" data-end=\"214\">&#8220;No, these are our toys.&#8221;<\/em><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"218\" data-end=\"422\">Everything was about sharing, about group harmony\u2014to the point where, for example, I remember visiting my family once and we all went out to dinner. I looked at the menu and said, <em data-start=\"398\" data-end=\"420\">&#8220;I would like this.&#8221;<\/em><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"424\" data-end=\"498\">My dad just gave me a look and said, <em data-start=\"461\" data-end=\"496\">&#8220;Well, it&#8217;s for the whole table.&#8221;<\/em><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"500\" data-end=\"700\">I love to share\u2014I always have\u2014but in that moment, something felt different. I wanted something for <em data-start=\"599\" data-end=\"604\">me.<\/em> But that wasn\u2019t how things worked. The expectation was clear: <em data-start=\"667\" data-end=\"698\">We order for the whole table.<\/em><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"702\" data-end=\"1023\">That moment reinforced what I had always known\u2014harmony is more important than individual preferences or desires. The focus wasn\u2019t on <em data-start=\"835\" data-end=\"850\">what I wanted<\/em> but on the <em data-start=\"862\" data-end=\"881\">shared experience<\/em> we were all having together. And contributing to that shared experience meant setting aside personal preferences for the good of the group.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"3215\" data-end=\"3725\"><strong>That&#8217;s such a great illustration of this concept because it trickles down to even the smallest ways of being that we don&#8217;t really think about. For a typical American child to go to a restaurant and choose what they want to order, of course, they would choose. Unless you&#8217;re going to what we would call a family-style restaurant. And then you have to come to a consensus. But in general, that&#8217;s not how we do things. And I imagine that must have been a huge culture shift for you when coming to school.<\/strong><\/p>\n<h3 data-start=\"3732\" data-end=\"3784\"><strong data-start=\"3736\" data-end=\"3782\">Cultural differences in school experiences<\/strong><\/h3>\n<p data-start=\"3785\" data-end=\"4229\"><strong>In your book you wrote, outside the home, the emphasis in school was on self-sufficiency, independence, and the placement of self-interest over the collective interest. And I would love to hear about what your experience was like as a student because I think that can give us a really helpful lens into how school is experienced by our students from AAPI households. And then the other cultures you mentioned that emphasize collectivism.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"139\" data-end=\"310\">I remember one of my teachers asked me one day after school, <em data-start=\"200\" data-end=\"255\">&#8220;So, Neelu, what do you want to be when you grow up?&#8221;<\/em> And I was like, <em data-start=\"272\" data-end=\"308\">What do you mean? I have a choice?<\/em><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"312\" data-end=\"517\">It had never even occurred to me that I had a choice because, especially as immigrants, it\u2019s all about survival. The question is, <em data-start=\"442\" data-end=\"482\">What can you do to make money quicker?<\/em> Because it\u2019s all about survival.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"519\" data-end=\"1056\">I know this has shifted depending on how many generations your family has been in North America. Perhaps the focus isn\u2019t as intense. But in AAPI culture, it was all about medicine, law, business, and accounting\u2014careers that would generate income quickly. I know that being in med school isn\u2019t exactly a <em data-start=\"822\" data-end=\"829\">quick<\/em> return on investment, but families still saw it as a <em data-start=\"883\" data-end=\"894\">long-term<\/em> return on your education. For immigrants, everything is quantified from a financial perspective. When you\u2019re in hustle mode, survival takes precedence.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1058\" data-end=\"1260\">When my parents came to the U.S., they worked three or four jobs each. Their focus was on setting up their kids for success so that we wouldn\u2019t have to experience the financial struggles they endured.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1262\" data-end=\"1791\">So when my teachers would ask me, <em data-start=\"1296\" data-end=\"1326\">&#8220;What would you like to be?&#8221;<\/em> I didn\u2019t even realize I had a choice. I just assumed I would fall into one of the same categories as everyone around me. The options were clear: <em data-start=\"1472\" data-end=\"1565\">You can be a lawyer. You can be a doctor. You can be an accountant. You can be in business.<\/em> Engineering was also an option, but I wasn\u2019t good at math or science, so that was automatically off the table for me. But the idea was that there were these <em data-start=\"1723\" data-end=\"1728\">set<\/em> professions\u2014structured paths that led to financial security.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1793\" data-end=\"1854\">And then teachers would ask me, <em data-start=\"1825\" data-end=\"1852\">&#8220;What do you love to do?&#8221;<\/em><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1856\" data-end=\"2065\">Well, I loved writing. I remember getting published in this little school newsletter. I was so excited\u2014I ran home to tell my mom. I showed her the newsletter, and she said, <em data-start=\"2029\" data-end=\"2063\">&#8220;What? You want to be a writer?&#8221;<\/em><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2067\" data-end=\"2145\">Like, it was just <em data-start=\"2085\" data-end=\"2089\">so<\/em> taboo. It was something she couldn\u2019t even comprehend.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2147\" data-end=\"2430\">And there\u2019s no right or wrong. I\u2019m not saying it\u2019s good or bad. It\u2019s just the worldview you grow up with when you\u2019re an immigrant and constantly thinking about setting your children up for success. You want to make sure they\u2019re in careers where they\u2019re going to earn money quickly.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2432\" data-end=\"2707\"><strong>That\u2019s such a great way to distinguish things. We\u2019re not talking about <em data-start=\"2503\" data-end=\"2510\">right<\/em> or <em data-start=\"2514\" data-end=\"2521\">wrong<\/em> here \u2014because both cultures have their pros and cons. And as we\u2019ll get into more, it\u2019s not about <em data-start=\"2618\" data-end=\"2628\">changing<\/em> either culture. It\u2019s about figuring out how to <em data-start=\"2676\" data-end=\"2684\">thrive<\/em> within both of them.<\/strong><\/p>\n<h3 data-start=\"5\" data-end=\"62\"><strong data-start=\"9\" data-end=\"60\">Navigating Cultural Tensions in School and Work<\/strong><\/h3>\n<p data-start=\"63\" data-end=\"553\"><strong>You talked about the tension between how you&#8217;ve learned to navigate the expectations at home and the expectations in school, later on in higher education, and eventually the workplace. And there&#8217;s a phrase that you wrote that I just thought was so profound. You said you wrote that you found yourself &#8220;uncomfortable with confrontation, plus unable to speak up for yourself, plus constantly worried about the perspective of others, which equaled a huge fail in corporate America.&#8221;<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"82\" data-end=\"366\">I have been downsized so many times. And I don\u2019t think it was because I lacked brilliant ideas or intelligence. It was simply because I didn\u2019t know how to speak up and share my ideas. Someone else would take credit for them, and I didn\u2019t know how to jump back into the conversation.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"368\" data-end=\"637\">When you come from a collective culture where you\u2019re taught to stay under the radar, this becomes second nature. My parents would actually say things like, <em data-start=\"524\" data-end=\"635\">&#8220;This isn\u2019t our country, so you really want to stay under the radar. Just do what you need to do to succeed.&#8221;<\/em><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"639\" data-end=\"1045\">When that\u2019s the behavior modeled for you and it becomes your way of being, it can be a major disadvantage in corporate America. If you\u2019re just doing good work and keeping your head down \u2014 without advocating for yourself \u2014 people will actually assume you\u2019re disengaged. Even though you may be excelling, if you\u2019re not making your contributions visible, you won\u2019t get recognition. I learned that the hard way.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1047\" data-end=\"1382\">After my last downsizing in 2013, I started my own practice. Since then, I\u2019ve coached and trained thousands of professionals, and I\u2019ve realized there\u2019s a common thread. Even if you don\u2019t come from a collective culture, you might still struggle with self-advocacy if you\u2019re introverted, neurodivergent, or deeply focused on your work.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1384\" data-end=\"1656\">I see this all the time with people in tech\u2014they just want to code. They want to sit down, do their job, and be left alone. But in corporate America, that\u2019s not enough. It\u2019s not enough to simply be good at what you do. You also have another job: advocating for yourself.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1658\" data-end=\"1853\">Because if people don\u2019t know what you\u2019re doing, they won\u2019t recognize your contributions. And worse, they may perceive your silence as disengagement, even when the reality is the exact opposite.<\/p>\n<h3 data-start=\"2451\" data-end=\"2496\"><strong data-start=\"2455\" data-end=\"2494\">Applying self-advocacy skills to careers in education<\/strong><\/h3>\n<p data-start=\"2497\" data-end=\"2987\"><strong>Yeah, I think that&#8217;s true in teaching as well. There are a lot of folks who just want to be good teachers. They don&#8217;t want to have to present in a certain way or make sure that people know what they&#8217;re doing. But like you said, folks can take credit for your accomplishments, and if you ever want to move into a leadership role, you&#8217;ve got to be comfortable drawing attention to yourself, which could be really uncomfortable for a lot of people.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2989\" data-end=\"3634\">I actually work with a lot of people who say they don&#8217;t want a leadership role, they just want to be subject matter experts. But even then, you still need to advocate for yourself if you want to get a raise, if you want to get a promotion. In most organizations, they don&#8217;t allow you to stand still and just be in one position forever. There&#8217;s this expectation that you&#8217;re going to progress in some way, whether you&#8217;re in a leadership role or you&#8217;re just climbing the ranks as a subject matter expert. But I do think self-advocacy is another full-time job in, at least in my space in corporate America.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"3636\" data-end=\"3982\">And I would love to hear from you from an education perspective for teachers.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"3984\" data-end=\"4656\"><strong>Don&#8217;t draw attention to yourself. Put other people&#8217;s needs before yours, especially in a helping profession. You&#8217;re supposed to be there for the kids. It&#8217;s not about you. You should be willing to sacrifice everything for students.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"82\" data-end=\"331\">Yeah, it\u2019s so fascinating because even if you don\u2019t come from a collective culture or weren\u2019t raised by parents from one, there are still so many messages we absorb\u2014especially as women\u2014through the behaviors modeled to us by other women growing up.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"333\" data-end=\"490\">Or you could have been raised in a small town in the U.S., where the unspoken rule is: <em data-start=\"419\" data-end=\"488\">Stay humble, keep your head down, don\u2019t draw attention to yourself.<\/em><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"492\" data-end=\"737\">And you could simply be a woman raised in a more patriarchal family structure, where these skills\u2014speaking up, advocating for yourself, making your contributions visible\u2014were not encouraged or actively taught. They don\u2019t always come naturally.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"739\" data-end=\"1042\">So what happens? The people who <em data-start=\"771\" data-end=\"776\">are<\/em> confident in self-advocacy\u2014who tend to be men, often men from dominant cultures, and men with certain personality types\u2014get the attention. They move into leadership. And ultimately, they shape workplace and societal culture, leaving the rest of us on the outside.<\/p>\n<h3 data-start=\"5\" data-end=\"50\"><strong data-start=\"9\" data-end=\"48\">External Versus Internal Motivation<\/strong><\/h3>\n<p data-start=\"82\" data-end=\"317\"><strong>Your book also talks about your experience in teaching and coaching Asian and South Asian women, and how you noticed a pattern of external motivation \u2014 particularly among those raised by immigrant or first-generation parents from Asia.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"319\" data-end=\"588\"><strong>The idea is that career decisions are often made with the goal of pleasing others, rather than based on personal interests or passions. As you mentioned earlier, there\u2019s a strong emphasis on choosing a path that aligns with family expectations and financial security.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"590\" data-end=\"860\"><strong>You compare this to the dominant American culture, where fewer people weigh in on career choices, and individuals are taught from a young age to rely on themselves. Self-sufficiency is a core value, so people grow up learning to trust their own opinions and instincts.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"862\" data-end=\"1114\"><strong>But if you\u2019re not raised in that kind of environment, you don\u2019t naturally develop that same internal compass. So I\u2019m wondering\u2014can you speak to the difference between external and internal motivation, and how you personally learned to trust yourself?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"82\" data-end=\"536\">Yeah. So, as I mentioned, in many collective cultures, the concept of family extends beyond just the immediate household. Even if extended family members don\u2019t live in the home, they still play a significant role in decision-making. Traditionally, joint families were the norm, with multiple generations living together under one roof. While that has changed in some places, especially in larger cities, the influence of extended family remains strong.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"538\" data-end=\"655\">Even if you don\u2019t live with them, your extended family still impacts your choices\u2014they\u2019re part of your family unit.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"657\" data-end=\"924\">Because of that, it often felt like there were always <em data-start=\"711\" data-end=\"743\">a lot of cooks in the kitchen.<\/em> In North America, by contrast, decision-making tends to revolve around just the nuclear family. It\u2019s a much smaller unit, which means decisions are often made more independently.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"926\" data-end=\"1464\">That difference translates into how people develop their sense of motivation. When you grow up with external influences shaping most of your decisions, it can be difficult to trust your own judgment. For example, when I go into a fitting room to try on clothes, I often don\u2019t immediately trust my own opinion. Instead of looking in the mirror and deciding for myself, I feel the need to ask someone else, <em data-start=\"1331\" data-end=\"1354\">&#8220;How does this look?&#8221;<\/em> If a friend isn\u2019t with me, I\u2019ll send a picture. I sometimes feel like I just <em data-start=\"1432\" data-end=\"1439\">can\u2019t<\/em> trust my own judgment.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1466\" data-end=\"1778\">I believe that comes from growing up with so many external inputs. Even though it was just me and my nuclear family in the U.S., culturally, we still relied on multiple perspectives when making decisions. Over time, that conditioning led to a habit of seeking validation before feeling confident in my choices.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1780\" data-end=\"1961\">As adults, this tendency translates into needing data, stats, and additional confirmation before making decisions. We don\u2019t just <em data-start=\"1909\" data-end=\"1916\">trust<\/em> our instincts\u2014we need supporting evidence.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1963\" data-end=\"2277\">People who are internally motivated seem to have an internal compass guiding them. They instinctively know when something is right or wrong. But when you\u2019re externally motivated, it\u2019s not about being indecisive\u2014it\u2019s about needing additional perspectives before feeling sure. More input, more data, more feedback.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2279\" data-end=\"2365\">And again, there\u2019s no <em data-start=\"2301\" data-end=\"2308\">right<\/em> or <em data-start=\"2312\" data-end=\"2319\">wrong<\/em> way to be. It\u2019s just how we\u2019ve been shaped.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2367\" data-end=\"2687\">For me, the shift happened over time. With more experience under my belt, I started to develop an internal sense of trust. I began to recognize, <em data-start=\"2512\" data-end=\"2562\">&#8220;Okay, I know what I\u2019m doing. I\u2019m good at this.&#8221;<\/em> I could give a speech or teach a class and walk away <em data-start=\"2616\" data-end=\"2625\">knowing<\/em> I had done a great job \u2014 without needing external validation.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2689\" data-end=\"2949\">But in the early stages of my career, I didn\u2019t have that confidence. If I didn\u2019t receive feedback from my manager or team, I immediately assumed I had done something wrong. In reality, I hadn\u2019t done anything wrong\u2014I just needed to trust my gut a little more.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2951\" data-end=\"3303\">I\u2019ve noticed this same pattern among many people from Asian cultures. There\u2019s often a strong need for external input\u2014whether that\u2019s through research, data, or gathering others\u2019 opinions\u2014before making a decision. But at some point, it can become <em data-start=\"3196\" data-end=\"3206\">too much<\/em>. You get stuck in analysis paralysis, constantly seeking validation instead of moving forward.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"3305\" data-end=\"3459\">On the other hand, people who are more internally motivated sometimes <em data-start=\"3375\" data-end=\"3381\">need<\/em> to learn how to gather external input and not assume they are always right.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"3461\" data-end=\"3886\">So it\u2019s all about balance. Neither approach is inherently better or worse\u2014it\u2019s about understanding where you fall on the spectrum and adjusting based on the context. You might be internally motivated in your personal life, but externally motivated at work. Recognizing those differences and deciding <em data-start=\"3760\" data-end=\"3766\">when<\/em> and <em data-start=\"3771\" data-end=\"3781\">how much<\/em> external input you really need can be incredibly helpful in navigating decisions with more confidence.<\/p>\n<h3 data-start=\"5\" data-end=\"50\"><strong data-start=\"9\" data-end=\"48\">Cultural expectations for intrinsic vs extrinsic motivation<\/strong><\/h3>\n<p data-start=\"82\" data-end=\"304\"><strong>That\u2019s important to think about because, in school, we really emphasize <em data-start=\"154\" data-end=\"164\">internal<\/em> motivation. We want kids to do their work without needing external rewards. We want them to be <em data-start=\"260\" data-end=\"272\">inherently<\/em> motivated, to be self-driven.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"306\" data-end=\"462\"><strong>But I\u2019m realizing now what a cultural bias that is\u2014some people <em data-start=\"369\" data-end=\"377\">aren\u2019t<\/em> naturally like that. And yet, we tend to value internal motivation above all else.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"464\" data-end=\"805\"><strong>Students who seek confirmation, affirmation, or more information before making a decision are often seen as <em data-start=\"572\" data-end=\"584\">less ideal<\/em> than those who are totally internally driven, confident in their thinking, and able to move forward without much direction. We glorify self-sufficiency and independence, assuming that\u2019s the gold standard of motivation.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"807\" data-end=\"1021\"><strong>But that mindset doesn\u2019t always serve us. And more importantly, it doesn\u2019t always reflect who our students <em data-start=\"914\" data-end=\"919\">are<\/em> or the home cultures they bring into the classroom. That\u2019s something we need to be more mindful of.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1023\" data-end=\"1269\">Right? That\u2019s such a great point. A teacher might look at a student and think, <em data-start=\"1102\" data-end=\"1149\">Oh, this child isn\u2019t intrinsically motivated.<\/em> But in reality, the child <em data-start=\"1176\" data-end=\"1180\">is<\/em> highly motivated\u2014they&#8217;re just seeking additional information before making a decision.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1271\" data-end=\"1450\">So it\u2019s not necessarily about <em data-start=\"1301\" data-end=\"1326\">intrinsic vs. extrinsic<\/em> motivation. It\u2019s about how some students feel secure when they gather more data, input, or guidance before taking action.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1452\" data-end=\"1563\"><strong>Yeah, yeah, it does. That\u2019s a big light bulb moment for me.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<h3 data-start=\"1500\" data-end=\"1541\"><strong data-start=\"1504\" data-end=\"1539\">Balancing &#8220;we&#8221; and &#8220;I&#8221; cultures<\/strong><\/h3>\n<p data-start=\"82\" data-end=\"298\"><strong>Let\u2019s talk more about these strategies and how to navigate both worlds. In your book, you pose an important question: <em data-start=\"200\" data-end=\"296\">When you come from a &#8220;we&#8221; culture, how do you become comfortable and thrive in an &#8220;I&#8221; culture? <\/em><\/strong><strong>One approach you recommend is the concept of being \u201ca part of and apart from.\u201d How does that work?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"406\" data-end=\"795\">Okay, so let\u2019s say you\u2019re part of a group working on a team project. You are a part of that team, contributing to the collective effort. But you also need to be <em data-start=\"567\" data-end=\"579\">apart from<\/em> that team at times \u2014 because that\u2019s what\u2019s going to help you in your career. That\u2019s what will make a difference when you\u2019re in a performance review conversation, trying to get a promotion, or advocating for a raise.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"797\" data-end=\"1049\">You\u2019re still engaged with the group\u2014it\u2019s not about taking credit for others\u2019 work. It\u2019s about making sure your contributions don\u2019t get lost in the collective. You\u2019re drawing attention to the things you\u2019ve done, so your individual input is recognized.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1051\" data-end=\"1233\"><strong>That makes sense. But what does that look like in practice? Let\u2019s say there\u2019s a collaborative effort or a team project\u2014how can someone practice being both a part of and apart from?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1235\" data-end=\"1467\">Let\u2019s say you\u2019re in a meeting, and your team is working toward a key milestone or deliverable. Everything is on track, and then something gets derailed. This is an opportunity to step away from the team while still supporting it.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1469\" data-end=\"1716\">For example, if you anticipated a challenge and did some research on how to get things back on schedule, this is your moment to speak up. You can say, <em data-start=\"1620\" data-end=\"1714\">\u201cI noticed this potential roadblock and did some research on solutions to keep us on track.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1718\" data-end=\"1964\">This allows your voice to be heard in a way that contributes to the group\u2019s success while also highlighting your initiative. And it\u2019s done in a way that isn\u2019t boastful or obnoxious\u2014it\u2019s simply making sure your individual effort is acknowledged.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1966\" data-end=\"2200\">So you\u2019re reinforcing that you\u2019re part of the team while also establishing yourself as someone who takes ownership and contributes unique value. That\u2019s a skill that\u2019s essential in corporate America\u2014and, honestly, in most workplaces.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2202\" data-end=\"2503\"><strong>That sounds like a valuable practice in general, and definitely something we should be teaching students, too. We see the same thing happening in group projects\u2014there\u2019s always one student who takes over and does all the work, or one who dominates the discussion and pressures others into submission.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2505\" data-end=\"2689\"><strong>And then there are other students who have great ideas and contributions, but they don\u2019t speak up. They\u2019re overshadowed by more assertive personalities, so they end up staying quiet.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2691\" data-end=\"2814\">Right. And over time, that student might start to believe, <em data-start=\"2750\" data-end=\"2782\">Oh, my opinion doesn\u2019t matter.<\/em> It becomes a downward spiral.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2816\" data-end=\"3030\">The same thing happens in the workplace. If someone doesn\u2019t feel like they have space to interject, they start assuming their voice isn\u2019t valuable. And if that pattern continues, they stop speaking up altogether.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"3032\" data-end=\"3237\"><strong>Yes. And that\u2019s why we need to be intentional about interrupting that pattern. Thinking about how to be <em data-start=\"3136\" data-end=\"3147\">a part of<\/em> and <em data-start=\"3152\" data-end=\"3164\">apart from<\/em> can help us find that balance between collaboration and self-advocacy.<\/strong><\/p>\n<h3 data-start=\"5\" data-end=\"71\"><strong data-start=\"9\" data-end=\"69\">Shifting from problem-framed to outcome-framed questions<\/strong><\/h3>\n<p data-start=\"72\" data-end=\"302\"><strong>Another strategy you suggest in the book is to move from problem-framed questions to outcome-framed questions. And that\u2019s a really important mindset piece. Mindset stuff is my jam. I would love to have you share more about that.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"304\" data-end=\"677\">Yeah. So problem-framed questions are almost judgy and accusatory. For example, we might ask:<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"304\" data-end=\"677\"><em data-start=\"289\" data-end=\"311\">&#8220;Whose fault is it?&#8221;<\/em><br data-start=\"311\" data-end=\"314\" \/><em data-start=\"314\" data-end=\"331\">&#8220;Who did this?&#8221;<\/em><br data-start=\"331\" data-end=\"334\" \/><em data-start=\"334\" data-end=\"366\">&#8220;Why is this happening to me?&#8221;<\/em><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"370\" data-end=\"679\">These kinds of questions put us in a defensive, blaming mindset. In contrast, outcome-framed questions shift us into problem-solving mode. Instead, we can ask:<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"370\" data-end=\"679\"><em data-start=\"532\" data-end=\"559\">&#8220;Who can I ask for help?&#8221;<\/em><br data-start=\"559\" data-end=\"562\" \/><em data-start=\"562\" data-end=\"621\">&#8220;How can I learn what I need to do to get back on track?&#8221;<\/em><br data-start=\"621\" data-end=\"624\" \/><em data-start=\"624\" data-end=\"677\">&#8220;What else do I need to know about this situation?&#8221;<\/em><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"681\" data-end=\"915\">You can probably even <em data-start=\"703\" data-end=\"709\">feel<\/em> the difference between the two sets of questions. Problem-framed thinking can feel constricting and tense. In contrast, outcome-framed thinking opens the door to curiosity and opportunities for learning.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"679\" data-end=\"1114\">They\u2019re much more solution-focused, and you can probably even viscerally feel the difference between the two sets. Like the problem-frame, it\u2019s like you might even feel a tightness in your body, feel constricted. Whereas when you\u2019re in an outcome-frame, you\u2019re curious and you\u2019re looking for opportunities where you can learn to do things differently, versus a problem-frame where you\u2019re in a judger mindset.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1116\" data-end=\"1478\">And that&#8217;s not easy to do, to flip the switch in the moment, but the awareness of being able to do that is really helpful. I have strategies that I go through, and when you\u2019re on that path, it\u2019s like, how do you break that or interrupt that pattern so that you can move into sort of this learner outcome-frame question mindset?<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1480\" data-end=\"1620\">That\u2019s essential to self-advocacy because how can you advocate for yourself when you\u2019re being judgmental of yourself or of others, really?<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1622\" data-end=\"2062\">And it starts with us. We are our worst critics. So we\u2019re going to be the first ones to say, &#8220;Oh, I should have done this&#8221;, or &#8220;Why didn\u2019t I speak up in the last meeting? Why didn\u2019t I get that promotion?&#8221; So we\u2019re always looking at the things that we did first instead of thinking about, &#8220;Okay, who can I ask for support so that I can make sure I interrupt the meeting next time? Or how do I do this? Who can I learn from?<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2064\" data-end=\"2274\">It\u2019s just more open, it\u2019s more curious. I think the underlying theme of outcome-frame is just that you have a curiosity to do things differently, and you\u2019re not blaming yourself, and you\u2019re not blaming others.<\/p>\n<h3 data-start=\"2281\" data-end=\"2316\"><strong data-start=\"2285\" data-end=\"2314\">Practicing non-attachment<\/strong><\/h3>\n<p data-start=\"2317\" data-end=\"2640\"><strong>So we\u2019ve talked about &#8220;a part of and apart from,&#8221; and we\u2019ve talked about moving from problem-framed questions to outcome-framed questions. Another strategy you recommend is practicing non-attachment. How does that factor into self-advocacy, juxtaposing these two different worlds and cultures, and being your own cheerleader?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2642\" data-end=\"2757\">I\u2019m sure you\u2019ve heard about Mel Robbins\u2019 new book, <em data-start=\"2744\" data-end=\"2755\">Let Them.<\/em><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2759\" data-end=\"2765\"><strong>Yes!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"82\" data-end=\"217\">It\u2019s like I\u2019m listening to the audiobook on repeat. But it\u2019s a similar concept\u2014you put in the effort, but you can only control <em data-start=\"209\" data-end=\"214\">you<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"219\" data-end=\"469\">Once you do the work\u2014whether it\u2019s collaborating on a project, submitting an application, or writing something\u2014you have to release it. At that point, the control is out of your hands. It\u2019s in the world now, and you have to wait and see what happens.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"471\" data-end=\"624\">The key piece of non-attachment comes from Buddhism. You put your best foot forward, but you <em data-start=\"564\" data-end=\"572\">cannot<\/em> control the uncontrollables\u2014namely, other people.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"626\" data-end=\"729\">I love the way Mel Robbins framed it: Let them do what they do. Your power lies in what <em data-start=\"716\" data-end=\"721\">you<\/em> do.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"731\" data-end=\"1009\">So when it comes to self-advocacy, absolutely\u2014advocate for yourself. Speak up in the meeting. Make your voice heard. But after that? Detach from the outcome. You don\u2019t know how others will respond. You don\u2019t control the final decision. You <em data-start=\"975\" data-end=\"981\">only<\/em> control your own actions.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1016\" data-end=\"1274\"><strong>You also mentioned something related to this\u2014that our goals don\u2019t have to end with a period or an exclamation point, but with a <em data-start=\"1158\" data-end=\"1165\">comma<\/em>. The goal is to practice non-attachment to whatever comes after the comma. Can you explain how that works?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1276\" data-end=\"1376\">Yeah. To me, punctuation marks like periods or exclamation points feel final \u2014 like a hard stop.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1378\" data-end=\"1560\">But we, as humans, are constantly evolving. One of my spiritual teachers said that on any given day, your goals might look different than they did a month ago \u2014 or even a <em data-start=\"1547\" data-end=\"1553\">week<\/em> ago.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1562\" data-end=\"1683\">For example, let\u2019s say on January 22nd, you set a goal. By February 22nd, your perspective might have shifted entirely.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1685\" data-end=\"1789\">The comma represents fluidity\u2014the ability to adjust, refine, or even completely change course.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1791\" data-end=\"2022\">This happens all the time with New Year\u2019s resolutions. Someone might set a rigid goal, like <em data-start=\"1883\" data-end=\"1913\">&#8220;I want to lose 100 pounds.&#8221;<\/em> But a month later, they might realize that\u2019s not actually the healthiest or most meaningful goal for them.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2024\" data-end=\"2186\">That\u2019s why I see the comma as a symbol of self-compassion. It reminds us that we don\u2019t have to be locked into an old version of what we <em data-start=\"2164\" data-end=\"2173\">thought<\/em> we wanted.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2188\" data-end=\"2364\">Because life is unpredictable. We are allowed to change. And practicing non-attachment means accepting that what we once desired might no longer serve us \u2014 and that\u2019s okay.<\/p>\n<h3 data-start=\"5\" data-end=\"37\"><strong data-start=\"9\" data-end=\"35\">The power of the pause<\/strong><\/h3>\n<p data-start=\"38\" data-end=\"483\"><strong>I think of the comma as a pause, too. It\u2019s that place where you take a breath. And so often we move from one goal to the next. A lot of times in education, the goalposts are being moved on you. You achieve 80% student proficiency in this thing, and it\u2019s like, \u201cOkay, great, now 85%.\u201d It\u2019s like, \u201cWait a sec, I didn\u2019t even get to take a chance to recognize all of my hard work, all of my students\u2019 hard work, everything that we\u2019ve accomplished.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"485\" data-end=\"652\"><strong>We need that pause, that comma before we move immediately on to the next thing and try to predict exactly what that next thing is going to be. Because we don\u2019t know.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"654\" data-end=\"1103\">Yeah. And we do that. We don\u2019t take a beat. And I think it\u2019s so important because even with our mindset, right, usually we\u2019re ruminating about the past or catastrophizing about the future. And the comma is really a beat which allows you to ground into the present moment, where it\u2019s like, \u201cOkay, I just completed that 80%, and I need to give myself a pat on the back, so I have the personal agency to then do the other 5% or strive for that 100%.\u201d<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1105\" data-end=\"1220\">But again, yeah, I think you\u2019re spot on with that pause and beat and just grounding into the present moment.<\/p>\n<h3 data-start=\"1227\" data-end=\"1266\"><strong data-start=\"1231\" data-end=\"1264\">Overcoming conflict avoidance<\/strong><\/h3>\n<div class=\"flex max-w-full flex-col flex-grow\">\n<div class=\"min-h-8 text-message relative flex w-full flex-col items-end gap-2 whitespace-normal break-words text-start [.text-message+&amp;]:mt-5\" dir=\"auto\" data-message-author-role=\"assistant\" data-message-id=\"1de87c09-8b7f-444e-a5cf-7c73e89d55be\" data-message-model-slug=\"gpt-4o\">\n<div class=\"flex w-full flex-col gap-1 empty:hidden first:pt-[3px]\">\n<div class=\"markdown prose w-full break-words dark:prose-invert light\">\n<p data-start=\"0\" data-end=\"149\"><strong>I want to spend the rest of our time addressing the challenge of being conflict-avoidant or confrontation-avoidant\u2014something we touched on earlier. Educators frequently need to advocate for themselves, whether it\u2019s about manageable workloads, better resources, or basic classroom needs. Yet, they\u2019re often expected to just figure it out on their own\u2014even spending their own money to fill the gaps.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"404\" data-end=\"738\"><strong>But self-advocacy is a necessary skill, not just for individual teachers but for the health of the profession as a whole. So how can teachers effectively voice concerns to administrators, especially when they feel uncomfortable with confrontation \u2014 when asking for support feels like they\u2019re causing a problem rather than solving one?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"740\" data-end=\"871\">One of the fundamental truths about human behavior is this: the way we are in one situation is the way we are in most situations.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"873\" data-end=\"1069\">If it feels deeply uncomfortable to advocate for yourself\u2014to ask for what you need, to speak up, to push back\u2014it\u2019s not something you\u2019ll suddenly be able to do in a high-stakes work conversation.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1071\" data-end=\"1244\">Self-advocacy isn\u2019t just a skill you decide to have one day. It\u2019s a muscle that needs to be strengthened through practice, and it\u2019s best to start in low-risk environments.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1246\" data-end=\"1442\">For example, I realized I had to start small. There were many times\u2014and honestly, this still happens\u2014when my husband would say, \u201cLet\u2019s get Thai food,\u201d and I actually wanted pizza or Indian food.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1444\" data-end=\"1503\">In the past, I\u2019d automatically defer: sure, Thai is fine.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1505\" data-end=\"1576\">But now, I pause and say, \u201cActually, I\u2019d rather have Indian tonight.\u201d<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1578\" data-end=\"1762\">That may seem insignificant, but for someone raised in a culture that prioritizes group harmony over individual preference, even a small act like that can feel like rocking the boat.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1764\" data-end=\"1999\">If you\u2019ve grown up in an environment \u2014 whether cultural, familial, or societal \u2014 that taught you to avoid making waves, then advocating for yourself at work will feel impossible unless you\u2019ve built the habit in smaller, safer ways first.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2001\" data-end=\"2164\">And this doesn\u2019t just apply to people from collective cultures. Women, neurodivergent individuals, introverts\u2014many of us have been conditioned to avoid conflict.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2166\" data-end=\"2297\">So we have to intentionally build the habit of self-advocacy in our daily lives before we can do it effectively in the workplace.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2299\" data-end=\"2452\">Self-advocacy at work isn\u2019t a one-time event\u2014it\u2019s an ongoing practice. You wouldn\u2019t wake up one day and decide to run a marathon without ever training.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2454\" data-end=\"2595\">In the same way, you\u2019re not suddenly going to wake up one morning and feel totally comfortable walking into your principal\u2019s office to say:<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2597\" data-end=\"2788\">\u201cI don\u2019t have enough planning time to create strong lessons, and I shouldn\u2019t have to spend my evenings making up for lost time. I\u2019d like to discuss how we can ensure I get the time I need.\u201d<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2790\" data-end=\"2876\">That\u2019s a huge act of self-advocacy, especially for someone who is conflict-avoidant.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2878\" data-end=\"2942\"><strong>And what if they say, \u201cNo, we don\u2019t have the budget for that\u201d?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2944\" data-end=\"3045\">Now it\u2019s a conversation. Now it\u2019s a negotiation. Now you\u2019re in unfamiliar, uncomfortable territory.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"3047\" data-end=\"3193\">But if you\u2019ve practiced smaller acts of self-advocacy in everyday life\u2014if you\u2019ve built that muscle\u2014this moment at work won\u2019t feel as terrifying.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"3195\" data-end=\"3306\" data-is-last-node=\"\" data-is-only-node=\"\">You\u2019ll be able to push through discomfort and stay engaged in the dialogue. And that\u2019s how real change happens.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<h3 data-start=\"3932\" data-end=\"3976\"><strong data-start=\"3936\" data-end=\"3974\">The everyday acts of self-advocacy<\/strong><\/h3>\n<p data-start=\"0\" data-end=\"339\">And, you know, when you gave that example about being honest with your husband about the kind of food you wanted, it really resonated with me. I think of myself as a highly opinionated person, and I don\u2019t have a problem saying what I want. But in those kinds of situations, I tend to take on the emotional labor of being the easy person.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"341\" data-end=\"623\">Especially if there\u2019s more than one person involved, I\u2019ll default to saying, \u201cWhatever you guys want, it\u2019s fine.\u201d And then later, I catch myself thinking, <em data-start=\"496\" data-end=\"621\">Angela, why don\u2019t you just say what you want? Why don\u2019t you just suggest a restaurant you like and see if they\u2019re on board?<\/em><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"625\" data-end=\"993\">Because the truth is, no one <em data-start=\"654\" data-end=\"661\">wants<\/em> to be the one to decide what\u2019s for dinner. It\u2019s tedious to go back and forth, trying to figure it out. If someone just steps in and says, \u201cHey, here\u2019s a great restaurant. It has something for everyone\u2014how about we go there?\u201d that\u2019s not being difficult or confrontational. That\u2019s actually being helpful. It\u2019s providing a solution.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"995\" data-end=\"1068\">But my default is still to say, \u201cOh, I\u2019ll just go along with whatever.\u201d<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1070\" data-end=\"1139\">Exactly. And honestly, it can be annoying to the people around you.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1141\" data-end=\"1238\">Yeah. I\u2019ve had friends actually call me out on it and say, \u201cYou know, you\u2019re doing that again.\u201d<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1240\" data-end=\"1273\">And I\u2019ll be like, \u201cDoing what?\u201d<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1275\" data-end=\"1312\">And they\u2019ll say, \u201cPeople pleasing.\u201d<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1314\" data-end=\"1408\">And I\u2019ll insist, \u201cNo, no, I\u2019m just being flexible. It\u2019s just one meal. It\u2019s not a big deal.\u201d<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1410\" data-end=\"1753\">And it <em data-start=\"1417\" data-end=\"1421\">is<\/em> just one meal. It\u2019s not the end of the world. But the bigger issue is that this pattern repeats in other areas of life. It\u2019s a muscle. If you practice speaking up in these small, everyday moments\u2014whether or not your suggestion is taken\u2014that\u2019s not the point. The point is that you\u2019re building the habit of advocating for yourself.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1755\" data-end=\"2006\">And when you practice in these low-stakes situations, you make it easier to do the bigger things \u2014 like walking into your boss\u2019s office on Monday morning and saying, \u201cI need the school to cover these supplies instead of paying for them out of pocket.\u201d<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2008\" data-end=\"2172\">Right. How could we expect ourselves to advocate for resources at work when we won\u2019t even speak up about what we want for dinner or what TV show we want to watch?<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2174\" data-end=\"2200\" data-is-last-node=\"\" data-is-only-node=\"\">Exactly. Exactly. Exactly.<\/p>\n<h3 data-start=\"5\" data-end=\"61\"><strong data-start=\"9\" data-end=\"59\">Overcoming the fear of being labeled as &#8220;difficult&#8221;<\/strong><\/h3>\n<p data-start=\"62\" data-end=\"254\"><strong>What about the fear of being labeled as difficult or too assertive? I know that can hold people back, especially women of color. How can individuals frame these fears to feel more confident?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"194\" data-end=\"558\">When you\u2019re worried that people are going to think you\u2019re difficult, I actually want to flip that completely on its head and say that when you advocate for yourself and become your own cheerleader, it is one of the most unselfish acts you can do. You are literally leaving a trail for the people behind you who look like you and may face the same challenges.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"560\" data-end=\"976\">For a teacher, think about all the little kids in your classroom who are watching you. They\u2019re going to remember you. Hopefully, they\u2019re going to remember you. I still remember teachers from grade school who impacted me. And that\u2019s what you\u2019re doing\u2014you\u2019re carving a path for the kids who see themselves in you, or who identify with a part of your story, and you\u2019re leaving a trail that shows them what\u2019s possible.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"978\" data-end=\"1291\">By advocating for yourself, you\u2019re modeling a behavior that they can take beyond school. They can take it home. They can carry it into their lives as adults. And that\u2019s why I believe that self-advocacy\u2014something we often think of as an individual act\u2014is actually one of the most collective acts a person can do.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1293\" data-end=\"1440\"><strong>I have full-body chills right now from this idea of leaving\u2014how did you phrase it? The trail that you\u2019re leaving behind you for others to follow.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1442\" data-end=\"1861\">Yes.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1442\" data-end=\"1861\"><strong>And if you are a woman of color, think about all the students in your classroom. You are carving a path for those kids who aren\u2019t part of the dominant culture. And when you advocate for yourself \u2014 when you get the resources you need to be the best teacher you can be \u2014 you are showing those kids how to do the same for themselves. And that\u2019s a skill every student needs, regardless of gender, race, or ethnicity.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1863\" data-end=\"2204\"><strong>I\u2019m also thinking about the impact on colleagues. Because so much of school culture is shaped by the unwritten rule to keep your head down, don\u2019t draw attention to yourself, don\u2019t make waves. When people step outside of that, they risk being blackballed, labeled as difficult, seen as stirring the pot, or making things hard for others.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2206\" data-end=\"2467\"><strong>But when someone steps up and advocates in a way that is constructive, they give other people permission to do the same. They shift those norms one teacher at a time. If someone on your team is advocating for themselves, that\u2019s a model you can follow.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2469\" data-end=\"2664\"><strong>And when you think about it that way, self-advocacy becomes something deeply unselfish. It\u2019s not just about you\u2014it\u2019s about shifting the entire culture of a school, one action at a time.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2666\" data-end=\"2901\">Yeah. So for those of us who are uncomfortable stepping into the &#8220;I&#8221; space, if you think about it, yes, you\u2019re advocating for your raise, your promotion, your classroom resources. But you\u2019re also doing it for the collective good.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2903\" data-end=\"3068\" data-is-last-node=\"\" data-is-only-node=\"\">Other teachers are watching. Students are watching. You are becoming a role model just by advocating for yourself in a way that others can learn from and follow.<\/p>\n<h3 data-start=\"256\" data-end=\"615\"><strong style=\"font-family: Lora, sans-serif; font-size: 32px;\" data-start=\"3172\" data-end=\"3222\">Advocating for resources in a constructive way<\/strong><\/h3>\n<p data-start=\"0\" data-end=\"604\"><strong>So how do you do that? What would you say if you\u2019re going to your boss and you\u2019re saying, \u201cI don\u2019t have sufficient planning time to prepare for these lessons because my planning time keeps getting taken away\u201d? A lot of times that happens\u2014like, you\u2019re supposed to have this time, but you end up covering for someone else, or a teacher is absent, or something comes up. So you don\u2019t have the time you need to do your job well. You want to bring that up. How could you do that in a way that advocates for yourself constructively, without being confrontational or sounding like a complainer?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"606\" data-end=\"908\"><strong>You know, I think when we go to people in leadership roles and we\u2019re asking for something\u2014whether it\u2019s time, money, resources\u2014we want to come in with a solution mindset. So yes, there are reasons why I need more time. I\u2019m happy to share them if you want those details, but here\u2019s my proposal.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"910\" data-end=\"1245\"><strong>Like, <em data-start=\"916\" data-end=\"961\">this is what I can do to get back on track,<\/em> or whatever the issue is. Because maybe that leader doesn\u2019t need all the details, and if you start by listing them out, it can sound like making excuses. Instead, you can say, \u201cThere are three reasons why. I\u2019m happy to share if you\u2019re interested. And also, here\u2019s my proposal.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1247\" data-end=\"1528\"><strong>That\u2019s really good. It mirrors a lot of the advice I give to teachers: Come with solutions. Don\u2019t expect your leader to come up with one for you because, first of all, that\u2019s asking them to do extra work. And second, you might not like the solution they come up with.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1530\" data-end=\"1575\"><strong>Exactly. They don\u2019t know all of your needs.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1577\" data-end=\"1882\"><strong>So instead of just presenting the problem, think, <em data-start=\"1627\" data-end=\"1675\">What specific solution would actually help me?<\/em> Maybe it\u2019s something like, \u201cInstead of attending the staff meeting, could I use that time to finish lesson planning or catch up on required paperwork? Otherwise, I\u2019ll need to stay late after the meeting.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1884\" data-end=\"2205\"><strong>Giving them an alternative or even a couple of different options makes it much easier for them to just say, \u201cYeah, that\u2019s fine,\u201d or tweak things slightly. Otherwise, they have to rack their brains trying to figure out how to fix your problem for you, and they may come up with something you don\u2019t even like.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2207\" data-end=\"2363\"><strong>And then if they try, and their suggestion doesn\u2019t satisfy you, it\u2019s frustrating for both of you. So what\u2019s the incentive for them to keep trying to help?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2365\" data-end=\"2665\" data-is-last-node=\"\" data-is-only-node=\"\"><strong>Absolutely, you\u2019re right. And they may have tunnel vision because they\u2019re looking at the issue from their perspective, and not necessarily considering what would actually be most useful for you. It\u2019s much better to take that mental labor off their plate and just say, \u201cHere are some options.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n<h3 data-start=\"5\" data-end=\"49\"><strong data-start=\"9\" data-end=\"47\">Advocating effectively among peers and coworkers<\/strong><\/h3>\n<p data-start=\"50\" data-end=\"582\"><strong>What would this look like in a situation where you are with peers? So, like, if you\u2019re in your grade-level team or department-level team, you\u2019re discussing a process for something, and you disagree with one of your colleagues. This isn\u2019t someone you report to; it\u2019s not a boss. It\u2019s someone who\u2019s on the same level as you, but you disagree. You don\u2019t think that their approach is the right way, but you\u2019re really nervous to speak up because you need to work with this person. Do you have any tips for those kinds of situations?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"584\" data-end=\"730\">I don\u2019t know if you\u2019ve ever done improv, but if you have, one of the very easy and good strategies\u2014and you\u2019ve probably heard this\u2014is \u201cYes, and.\u201d So, yes, I hear you. And here\u2019s another alternative that we could consider. It doesn\u2019t really\u2014you know, it\u2019s not combative. It\u2019s like, yes, I agree with parts of what you\u2019re saying. And here\u2019s another suggestion.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"968\" data-end=\"1430\">I think when we say \u201cbut,\u201d immediately our brains go to, \u201cOh no, she\u2019s going to disagree with me,\u201d or \u201cThere\u2019s some sort of confrontation.\u201d So I think \u201cyes, and\u201d is a great strategy to use across any industry when you\u2019re trying to get others on board, when you\u2019re trying to influence them to go in the direction that you think is better. And maybe after you hear everyone\u2019s opinions, you might change your mind and say, \u201cOh, you know what? That works better.\u201d<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1432\" data-end=\"1809\"><strong>And I think a key phrase there that you said was, you know, the goal is to change people\u2019s minds or bring them on board. You may change your own mind, but if your goal is to be persuasive, then you\u2019ve got to be persuasive. And so that\u2019s when you go in there with that goal\u2014it\u2019s just like going to the leader with solutions. I\u2019m not here to complain. I\u2019m here with a solution.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1821\" data-end=\"2256\"><strong>In this team meeting, I\u2019m not here just to go against you and make you feel wrong or bad or to tear down your idea. I\u2019m actually really convinced that this other approach is going to be better. Let me be as persuasive as I can in laying that out so other people get on board, other people have the buy-in. It\u2019s not just me forcing my way in there. It\u2019s actually convincing them that this is going to be a more effective approach.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2258\" data-end=\"2619\">Yeah, I think \u201cyes, and\u201d is a great strategy. And I also just think from a mindset perspective, it\u2019s like you want to be a masterful communicator. And in order to be a masterful communicator, you don\u2019t expect people to meet you at your bus stop\u2014you meet them at theirs. Like you meet at each other\u2019s bus stops, like a convenient, mutually convenient bus stop.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2621\" data-end=\"2727\">And I think if we go one step further, if you\u2019re trying to influence, you meet others at their bus stop.<\/p>\n<h3 data-start=\"2734\" data-end=\"2792\"><strong data-start=\"2738\" data-end=\"2790\">The role of mindfulness and emotional regulation<\/strong><\/h3>\n<p data-start=\"2793\" data-end=\"2943\"><strong>What role does mindfulness and emotional regulation play in preparing for these uncomfortable conversations or potentially uncomfortable situations?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2945\" data-end=\"3210\">Well, again, if it\u2019s so uncomfortable for you, you realize this, you\u2019re aware of this. So maybe before you\u2019re going to walk into that meeting or before you\u2019re going to have that conversation, you\u2019re going to take some deep breaths, ground into the present moment.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"3212\" data-end=\"3573\">Because again, you might be the reason that you\u2019re having this anxiety or this emotional dysregulation is because you are ruminating about the past. You might think, \u201cOh, this happened previously with this person, so it\u2019s going to happen again with this person.\u201d Or you\u2019re catastrophizing like, \u201cWell, what if he or she says this? Then what am I going to do?\u201d<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"3575\" data-end=\"3921\">So I think if we just take moments to ground into the present moment \u2014 and the easiest way to do that is through our breath. And if that\u2019s not your thing, then using one of your five senses, like maybe just grounding your feet before you step into the room with the person, just like grounding into the present moment, however that looks for you.<\/p>\n<h3 data-start=\"3928\" data-end=\"3977\"><strong data-start=\"3932\" data-end=\"3975\">Balancing Eastern and Western practices<\/strong><\/h3>\n<p data-start=\"3978\" data-end=\"4336\"><strong>One of the things that I love most about your book and that surprised me about it, that really made it stand out as unique, is it is very much this east-meets-west kind of vibe to it, where you\u2019re talking about business, corporate strategies, and you\u2019re quoting all of these neuroscience researchers, and then you\u2019re talking about the Ayurvedic\u00a0principles and yoga and breath work and Buddhism and all of these things that kind of get us out of our heads and more into our bodies and into our experience. And I feel like that\u2019s the balance that so many resources are missing and that so many of us as humans are missing.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"4713\" data-end=\"4930\"><strong>And that, for me, when I found yoga, that really was transformative for me because I\u2019d heard people say things like, \u201cYou know, focus on the breath, take deep breaths.\u201d I\u2019m like, \u201cThis is not doing anything for me.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"4932\" data-end=\"5258\"><strong>Like, it\u2019s a whole practice, like you\u2019re saying. It\u2019s a way of being and an embodiment of these principles, and you keep showing up and doing it in different situations, and then it just becomes a natural part of who you are. So when you\u2019re in the more challenging situations, you\u2019ve already flexed that muscle, as you said.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"5260\" data-end=\"5652\">Right. Because we can be on our mats and we can practice these things. And then again, it\u2019s flexing in other contexts. So take the things you learned about grounding into your feet and taking deep breaths, and you\u2019re moving it into a conversation with your manager or your leader of the organization. That\u2019s uncomfortable. And you\u2019re still practicing the same skills in a different context<\/p>\n<h3 data-start=\"5\" data-end=\"46\"><strong data-start=\"9\" data-end=\"44\">Using mindfulness practices<\/strong><\/h3>\n<p data-start=\"47\" data-end=\"348\"><strong>Your book has a lot of practical examples. I think pretty much every chapter has, like, a practice, right? Something that you can do to kind of embody these principles. Is there something that you use a lot that is useful for you? A specific grounding practice, regulation, or mindfulness practice?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"350\" data-end=\"705\">I think for me, movement. And so when I get dysregulated, I think moving in any way, shape, or form\u2014because motion changes your emotional state. So walking, yoga, just getting up. If you\u2019re on a Zoom call and something didn\u2019t go right, it\u2019s like, \u201cI\u2019ll be right back,\u201d and you just get up and you move, and you come back and you\u2019re in a different state. And I think for me, movement has always been something that helps me get back into a regulated state.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"812\" data-end=\"1074\"><strong>For me, I think it\u2019s nature, and the movement ties into it. Because a lot of times I\u2019m going for a walk in nature, stepping outside. If I\u2019m in a natural setting, I see trees that have been there long before we were here. They\u2019re going to be here long after me.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1076\" data-end=\"1542\"><strong>I see the animals, the squirrels hiding their acorns, all the things that they\u2019re going to continue to do regardless of what\u2019s happening in my world. And it really puts things in perspective. And if I\u2019m in a city setting, I look around, I\u2019m like, \u201cLook at all of these other people with all of their problems and all of their things that they\u2019re going through and the things they\u2019re trying to get done in their day.\u201d And it just gives me that sense of perspective.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1544\" data-end=\"1653\"><strong>Even just stepping outside, a quick walk around the block really makes a big difference in my mental state.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1655\" data-end=\"1913\">Same for me. I mean, I\u2019m a tree hugger. So I will go to the park just to hug trees. Because I just feel like, again, those trees have been here way before us, they will be here way after us. There\u2019s just a sense of calm that I feel with nature as well.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1915\" data-end=\"2115\"><strong>So I agree, like, if you have the ability to get up and walk around and be in nature, or maybe you do that after your workday, but making sure that\u2019s part of your repertoire just to calm the nerves.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2117\" data-end=\"2248\"><strong>Even gazing out the window. You know, window-gazing meditations\u2014that\u2019s a whole practice. There are entire traditions around that.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2250\" data-end=\"2557\"><strong>I taught a lot in Florida. As a teacher, I would find there were palm trees outside of my window, which, you know, what\u2019s more calming than a palm tree? And at those moments where I\u2019m like, \u201cI cannot do this. These kids are driving me nuts,\u201d I could just look out the window at that palm tree.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2559\" data-end=\"2863\"><strong>It\u2019s been just blowing in the breeze, you know? It\u2019s bending to the wind. It\u2019s not trying to stand up straight and rigid and hold its position. It\u2019s shifting according to whatever the circumstances are, even up to hurricane-force winds. Palm trees can bend all the way down to the ground, be resilient.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"2865\" data-end=\"3138\"><strong>And just reminding myself that there\u2019s something bigger than me. And it\u2019s not just me\u2014I\u2019m part of something so much bigger. These kids are part of something much bigger with me. It\u2019s not just about me getting my plan done and my agenda accomplished. There\u2019s so much more.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"3140\" data-end=\"3269\"><strong>So even just looking out the window for a few seconds can really shift my mindset. Maybe that\u2019s just me, but it\u2019s been helpful.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"3271\" data-end=\"3518\">It\u2019s so funny because I do that throughout the day too. Like, between rooms, I\u2019ll just look outside. And I don\u2019t have the greatest view, but I will find something that I can just sort of focus my gaze on. And it just allows me to just calm down.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"3534\" data-end=\"3663\"><strong>Yeah, finding those little things that work for you\u2014it\u2019s a lifelong practice. But it\u2019s fun. It\u2019s an experiment. It\u2019s a journey.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"3701\" data-end=\"3858\"><strong>I want to close out with a takeaway truth. What\u2019s something that you wish every teacher understood about self-advocacy and the things that we talked about?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"3860\" data-end=\"4022\">I mean, I think this was what was the most eye-opening experience for me talking to you: how self-advocacy could be so beneficial for teachers and for students.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"4024\" data-end=\"4407\">I wish the teachers that I came into contact with, what I wish they knew is that not all of us are raised the same way. And so when you think about some of these intercultural dimensions that make it more difficult for children to speak up \u2014 if it\u2019s a collective versus an individual household \u2014 also if we think of power distance, that\u2019s another dimension that we didn\u2019t really cover.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"4409\" data-end=\"4703\">But in many collective cultures, and in Asian cultures, the power distance is greater. So what that means is that there\u2019s a deference for authority. And so you would not be as comfortable going to someone who is in an authoritative figure role and asking questions or pushing back in any way.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"4705\" data-end=\"4904\">Whereas in individualistic cultures, typically, there\u2019s less of a power distance. You could just walk into your boss\u2019s office and say, \u201cHey, I have to talk to you about a couple of things,\u201d usually.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"4906\" data-end=\"5145\">And so when you\u2019re a child and there\u2019s that much distance in power between you and someone in an authoritative capacity, there\u2019s a level of fear. So you may not even feel comfortable going to your teacher and having an open conversation.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"5147\" data-end=\"5430\">And so when teachers are aware of that, they might be more compassionate. They might engage with that student a little differently, knowing that, hey, I have to meet that child at their bus stop and make sure that they don\u2019t think that there\u2019s a huge power differential between us.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"5659\" data-end=\"5727\" data-is-last-node=\"\" data-is-only-node=\"\">\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Self-advocacy can feel like a challenge, especially if you\u2019re conflict-avoidant, culturally conditioned to prioritize group harmony, or simply unsure how to speak up without fear of being labeled \u201cdifficult.\u201d In this article + podcast episode, we\u2019ll explore how to advocate for yourself effectively while balancing cultural expectations, professional norms, and personal boundaries. I&#8217;m talking with &hellip; <a href=\"https:\/\/truthforteachers.com\/truth-for-teachers-podcast\/how-to-find-your-voice-and-self-advocate-even-if-youre-conflict-avoidant\/\">Continued<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":152824,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","categories":[10,8,3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-152742","podcasts","type-podcasts","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-mindset-motivation","category-edupreneur-resources","category-truth-for-teachers-podcast"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Truth For Teachers | How to self-advocate even if you\u2019re conflict-avoidant<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/truthforteachers.com\/truth-for-teachers-podcast\/how-to-find-your-voice-and-self-advocate-even-if-youre-conflict-avoidant\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"How to self-advocate even if you\u2019re conflict-avoidant\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Self-advocacy can feel like a challenge, especially if you\u2019re conflict-avoidant, culturally conditioned to prioritize group harmony, or simply unsure how to speak up without fear of being labeled \u201cdifficult.\u201d In this article + podcast episode, we\u2019ll explore how to advocate for yourself effectively while balancing cultural expectations, professional norms, and personal boundaries. 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